Joy?

Pump it up now! Ok, that's awful, but it's all I could come up with this late. And I think in my absence I've lost some of my blogging ability (or that's just B.S...lol!). However, I'm back with an update, possibly brief, but an update none the less...

We're having a good day. Heck, it's been a good weekend. I finally got my student loans in on Friday. Finally in American money. Finally, since I've already paid for all of school...lol! So, we're now totally caught up on bills, we've paid back MJ's Dad $1300 we've owed him, and paid off MJ's Blazer. We just freed up over $350 a month that we used to have in truck payments. It feels good to know that we can pay our bills and be able to eat as well, and even have a little left over to do something fun with the kids. Or buy them new winter clothes, since let's face it, the weather's getting cold...lol. But, it doesn't matter, cause we're ok now. We're ahead of the game. If we try hard, we can probably even start socking back some money for emergencies. Probably won't happen, knowing us, but we COULD, and that's the important part. Not having that looming over our shoulder is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

So, we did all that and had some money left over, so we got to do some nice things for ourselves as well. It's been a very, VERY long year, and we've been pinching pennies so hard that Honest Abe's beard is now a permanent indent in his face. So, we went out for dinner on Sunday, went and picked up a couple of DVD's we really wanted, and, most surprisingly, got new cell phones. I say most surprisingly because we went up there with the intention of buying MJ a new cell phone. Well, $315 later we were rung up and paid, but when they went to activate her number on the phone, we found out that since we were out of contract, if we agreed to sign a new 2-year contract we could get the phone at the discounted price. That $315 phone suddenly became a $49.98 phone, and we had a new cell-phone plan that'll save us about $20 a month. Oh, and we also found out that my phone could be upgraded too! $99.96 later I had the phone I never, EVER thought I'd own (Motorola V3 RAZR, and we'd paid half of what we expected to pay for MJ's phone on it's own. How great is that? We've been quite happy with Cingular and had no intention of leaving them, so this offer was just icing on the cake, and signing the new contract was no problem at all.

So, as you can probably tell, it's been a good few days. Now though, we have to maintain it. It's been good, now let's just keep it good. I need to stay sharp and make sure to keep the house clean, and be attentive to MJ's needs. No hiding in the bedroom all the time, no ignoring her, and certainly no ignoring her feelings. That's my note-to-self for the day...keep US happy. I now I can do it, and now that I have less to worry about as far as bills go, I can concentrate more on our relationship, and taking care of my problems.

Life, for the moment at least, is good.

~Dan

Does My Past Deny Me The Right To Be Angry?

I mean, really. I've been a fuck up. I've lied, I've stole, I've deceived. I've done everything short of cheating. I've been a bastard, an asshole, a jerk, and many more colourful names for being a downright idiot. I've done so many awful things I'm shocked I haven't been struck down where I stand, let alone been allowed to stay. I have done everything seemingly possible to end this marriage short of asking for a divorce. I don't want this marriage to end, but my actions have driven us towards that. I don't want things to end, I really, truly don't, but despite my best efforts I still seem to be sending us down that road. Why you ask? Well hell, I can't seem to stop being me. I've been an ass, and, needless to say, feelings have been hurt. Which brings me to today.

Does all that deny me the right to have MY feelings hurt? Does all that take away the sting when I really AM telling the truth, when I really AM doing what I say I'm doing, when I really DID do what I say I did, and I'm not believed? No, it doesn't. Does all of that take away the sting when I'm accused of not doing something, then I provide proof that I did, and there is no apology? No, it doesn't. Does it all take away the sting when my wife tells me she hates me, but that she loves me too much to let go? No, it doesn't. Does it hurt less because you've caused it, because you've driven her to this point? No, it doesn't. I hurt. A lot. All the time. I'm not happy. I see happiness, I can almost touch it it's so close, but it always seems to slip one step further out of reach. Does my past deny me the right to feel hurt when anger is directed at me, then when it's not my fault and I receive nothing by way of apology or even a retraction of the remarks? I need to know the answer to this question, because I need to know if what I'm feeling is ok or not. If I'm not allowed to be hurt, to be angry, to feel pain, someone please tell me so I can stop being hurt by these things, so I can be what I'm supposed to be. Because right now, I'm hurt, and I'm angry, and if I'm not supposed to be, then I need to know.

Updating finally, though I'm sure you didn't expect THIS kind of post.

~Dan

But It's FUN!

Or not. Had an extremely wonderful day today. Wonderful. Day. Today. Wonderful.

I just need to stop being me. As soon as that happens, I'll be in perfect shape. Cause that way I won't be forced to be the person I am now, and that will make everything better.

Wonderful day today. Totally.

~ Dan

People Can Really Suck Sometimes...

Ok, anyone who really knows me knows that I'm generally a very, very even-tempered person. If something's bothering me, I just blow it off, get over it, and move on. It takes a LOT to piss me off, and it doesn't happen very often. And, as I'm sure you can guess, it happened today. Well, tonight, more accurately...

I was working. And my fellow cook was someone whom I've had a bit of friction with before, but we got over it, and I actually kinda liked working with her. Well, that has changed. She looked TIRED today. I mean the dead-on-your-feet-need-a-bed-now kind of tired. And I think she's on a medication that makes you a bit drowsey too. So, seeing this, I hadn't asked her to do much tonight. She'd done a lot, don't get me wrong, more than I'd done up to that point, but I hadn't asked. So, about 7:30 rolls around and I'm getting ready to launch into my side-work (making chips for tomorrow) when we get SLAMMED. We have about 4 families of 5+ people show up at once (we're a pretty small restaurant, so 15-20 people all at once can be a bit hairy). Well, I think I'm ok, but the tickets keep piling up, so I go over to where she's doing her side work. And what do I see? She's sitting on a bucket, head propped up by her hand, with her eyes closed and mouth open. I've been in school long enough to know when someone's either asleep or basically about 5 seconds away from being asleep. Well, being the nice guy I am (and if you know me, you know I"m a pretty nice guy too) I leave her there to rest, because, as I said, she's looked exhausted all night. So, I get about half-way through the orders when our boss comes into the kitchen and asks me if I need any help. Well, I think I've got a pretty good handle on the situation, so I tell her I'm ok. But, I guess my co-worker heard this and came over to see what was going on. Well, seeing the tickets that I had to go, she figured I probably did need some help, and wondered why I didn't come over to get her. Except she wasn't that nice. Not NEARLY that nice. And for a totally absurd reason. You're going to love this. She thought that the only reason I didn't come and get her was because I wanted to MAKE THE PLATES UP, and let her do the side work. Basically, I wanted to "do the fun part of the job". And she was PISSED at me for it!!! My nice gesture of letting her have a break (she hadn't had one in the 4 hours I'd been at work, and had been at work since 8 in the morning) was construed as fucking greed on my part. I'd rather deal with side work than deal with tickets piling up on me! But hey, I'M the asshole here. Normally, I'd just blow something like this off, but I was fucking letting her rest for god's sake!! My niceness gets thrown back in my face as having an alterior motive???!?!?!?! FUCK THAT BITCH!!! That is horse-shit of the highest order, and I wasn't going to take that from anyone. My boss could've tried to throw that in my face and I would've thrown it back. So, I finished the ticket I was working on and I turned it over to her. And stood back, trying occasionally to help, but being blown off everytime. So, I just stood there. And when my boss came back to help and asked me what I was doing, I told her I was, and I quote, "staying out of the way." If looks could kill I wouldn't be writing this post right now. The bitch had the nerve to get even more pissed at me, finish the plate she was working on, and LEAVE. She left an hour early. Because I'm such an asshole, don't you see? I was even MORE pissed at that! GOD damn her! I was so mad and so frustrated that anything that happened for the next 15 minutes that wasn't perfect almost set me off. Several messed-up orders went flying across the kitchen into the trash can.

However, the moment has passed. I needed to vent though, and damned if this isn't as good a place as any. The best part though? My boss said, upon hearing my explanation, that "if that's how she's going to be she doesn't need to be working evenings. We can do just as good or better without her." And there may have been a comment about how she needs to either take different drugs or get off the ones she's on to get more in touch with reality. How cool is that? I guess I've made a good impression on her eh?

My god I was pissed off though. I mean, take my kind gesture and throw it back in my face, and you don't expect me to be mad? And for THAT reason??!? That's REDICULOUS beyond belief. I think that's the part that makes me the most mad. I mean, if you're going to accuse me of something, at least make it a GOOD reason for my being an ass, not that I wanted to do my fucking job. God damn, just, god damn. I don't understand people sometimes. However, I wasn't a door-mat, which is how I'd usually handle someone being mad at me, so that's good. Damn people...so how was your day?

~Dan

Poker?

I've had the question posted to me a few times over the last few weeks, and I figured it was blog-worthy...

What's all the fuss over poker?

Now, I can't speak for most people, but I can speak for me. First though, I'm of course talking about the card-game poker, and specifically the most popular version of the game, Texas Hold'Em. It's obviously shot upwards in popularity over the last 2-3 years, with more and more people watching, learning, and, of course, playing. I've always been intrested in sports/games that were a little unconventional, and had watched a couple of shows on TV the featured poker. I didn't have a clue at the time what I was watching, really (all I knew was it was poker) but it was cool, and I enjoyed it....and didn't see it again for about 5 years. Then, it exploded in populairity, and suddenly it was everywhere. And I started playing a bit on one of the free sites online (www.partypoker.net if you were wondering. I don't play there anymore, but that's where I started) and I was hooked. There is so much about the game, so many intricacies, so many strategies. It's almost endless the situations you'll find yourself in, and your reaction to those situations will dictate weather you bust or go on to win a big pot. The constant action, the constat jockeying for position makes it a great, great game. And watching the professionals on TV, the way they skillfully execute a check-raise, or a slow-play trap, or even fall for one being executed against them, is just a thing of beauty. There's so much to the game that I can barely scratch the surface without writing a book! But, I love it, and if I can manage to not play with my head lodged in my ass, I'm actually not terrible either.

Hell, the only problem I've faced is a lack of time to play, and a lack of income to go try my hand at a real table at the casino. Someday I will finally get over the hump and try it out, so for now I'll keep honing my skills online. It's just fun. So much fun. I don't care if I ever win a dime playing, I just love to do it.

~Dan