The Canuck's Corner

Joy?

2005-10-17T23:27:00.000-05:00

Pump it up now! Ok, that's awful, but it's all I could come up with this late. And I think in my absence I've lost some of my blogging ability (or that's just B.S...lol!). However, I'm back with an update, possibly brief, but an update none the less...

We're having a good day. Heck, it's been a good weekend. I finally got my student loans in on Friday. Finally in American money. Finally, since I've already paid for all of school...lol! So, we're now totally caught up on bills, we've paid back MJ's Dad $1300 we've owed him, and paid off MJ's Blazer. We just freed up over $350 a month that we used to have in truck payments. It feels good to know that we can pay our bills and be able to eat as well, and even have a little left over to do something fun with the kids. Or buy them new winter clothes, since let's face it, the weather's getting cold...lol. But, it doesn't matter, cause we're ok now. We're ahead of the game. If we try hard, we can probably even start socking back some money for emergencies. Probably won't happen, knowing us, but we COULD, and that's the important part. Not having that looming over our shoulder is a wonderful, wonderful thing.

So, we did all that and had some money left over, so we got to do some nice things for ourselves as well. It's been a very, VERY long year, and we've been pinching pennies so hard that Honest Abe's beard is now a permanent indent in his face. So, we went out for dinner on Sunday, went and picked up a couple of DVD's we really wanted, and, most surprisingly, got new cell phones. I say most surprisingly because we went up there with the intention of buying MJ a new cell phone. Well, $315 later we were rung up and paid, but when they went to activate her number on the phone, we found out that since we were out of contract, if we agreed to sign a new 2-year contract we could get the phone at the discounted price. That $315 phone suddenly became a $49.98 phone, and we had a new cell-phone plan that'll save us about $20 a month. Oh, and we also found out that my phone could be upgraded too! $99.96 later I had the phone I never, EVER thought I'd own (Motorola V3 RAZR, and we'd paid half of what we expected to pay for MJ's phone on it's own. How great is that? We've been quite happy with Cingular and had no intention of leaving them, so this offer was just icing on the cake, and signing the new contract was no problem at all.

So, as you can probably tell, it's been a good few days. Now though, we have to maintain it. It's been good, now let's just keep it good. I need to stay sharp and make sure to keep the house clean, and be attentive to MJ's needs. No hiding in the bedroom all the time, no ignoring her, and certainly no ignoring her feelings. That's my note-to-self for the day...keep US happy. I now I can do it, and now that I have less to worry about as far as bills go, I can concentrate more on our relationship, and taking care of my problems.

Life, for the moment at least, is good.

~Dan

Does My Past Deny Me The Right To Be Angry?

2005-10-03T20:11:00.000-05:00

I mean, really. I've been a fuck up. I've lied, I've stole, I've deceived. I've done everything short of cheating. I've been a bastard, an asshole, a jerk, and many more colourful names for being a downright idiot. I've done so many awful things I'm shocked I haven't been struck down where I stand, let alone been allowed to stay. I have done everything seemingly possible to end this marriage short of asking for a divorce. I don't want this marriage to end, but my actions have driven us towards that. I don't want things to end, I really, truly don't, but despite my best efforts I still seem to be sending us down that road. Why you ask? Well hell, I can't seem to stop being me. I've been an ass, and, needless to say, feelings have been hurt. Which brings me to today.

Does all that deny me the right to have MY feelings hurt? Does all that take away the sting when I really AM telling the truth, when I really AM doing what I say I'm doing, when I really DID do what I say I did, and I'm not believed? No, it doesn't. Does all of that take away the sting when I'm accused of not doing something, then I provide proof that I did, and there is no apology? No, it doesn't. Does it all take away the sting when my wife tells me she hates me, but that she loves me too much to let go? No, it doesn't. Does it hurt less because you've caused it, because you've driven her to this point? No, it doesn't. I hurt. A lot. All the time. I'm not happy. I see happiness, I can almost touch it it's so close, but it always seems to slip one step further out of reach. Does my past deny me the right to feel hurt when anger is directed at me, then when it's not my fault and I receive nothing by way of apology or even a retraction of the remarks? I need to know the answer to this question, because I need to know if what I'm feeling is ok or not. If I'm not allowed to be hurt, to be angry, to feel pain, someone please tell me so I can stop being hurt by these things, so I can be what I'm supposed to be. Because right now, I'm hurt, and I'm angry, and if I'm not supposed to be, then I need to know.

Updating finally, though I'm sure you didn't expect THIS kind of post.

~Dan

But It's FUN!

2005-09-12T19:04:00.000-05:00

Or not. Had an extremely wonderful day today. Wonderful. Day. Today. Wonderful.

I just need to stop being me. As soon as that happens, I'll be in perfect shape. Cause that way I won't be forced to be the person I am now, and that will make everything better.

Wonderful day today. Totally.

~ Dan

People Can Really Suck Sometimes...

2005-09-08T00:21:00.000-05:00

Ok, anyone who really knows me knows that I'm generally a very, very even-tempered person. If something's bothering me, I just blow it off, get over it, and move on. It takes a LOT to piss me off, and it doesn't happen very often. And, as I'm sure you can guess, it happened today. Well, tonight, more accurately...

I was working. And my fellow cook was someone whom I've had a bit of friction with before, but we got over it, and I actually kinda liked working with her. Well, that has changed. She looked TIRED today. I mean the dead-on-your-feet-need-a-bed-now kind of tired. And I think she's on a medication that makes you a bit drowsey too. So, seeing this, I hadn't asked her to do much tonight. She'd done a lot, don't get me wrong, more than I'd done up to that point, but I hadn't asked. So, about 7:30 rolls around and I'm getting ready to launch into my side-work (making chips for tomorrow) when we get SLAMMED. We have about 4 families of 5+ people show up at once (we're a pretty small restaurant, so 15-20 people all at once can be a bit hairy). Well, I think I'm ok, but the tickets keep piling up, so I go over to where she's doing her side work. And what do I see? She's sitting on a bucket, head propped up by her hand, with her eyes closed and mouth open. I've been in school long enough to know when someone's either asleep or basically about 5 seconds away from being asleep. Well, being the nice guy I am (and if you know me, you know I"m a pretty nice guy too) I leave her there to rest, because, as I said, she's looked exhausted all night. So, I get about half-way through the orders when our boss comes into the kitchen and asks me if I need any help. Well, I think I've got a pretty good handle on the situation, so I tell her I'm ok. But, I guess my co-worker heard this and came over to see what was going on. Well, seeing the tickets that I had to go, she figured I probably did need some help, and wondered why I didn't come over to get her. Except she wasn't that nice. Not NEARLY that nice. And for a totally absurd reason. You're going to love this. She thought that the only reason I didn't come and get her was because I wanted to MAKE THE PLATES UP, and let her do the side work. Basically, I wanted to "do the fun part of the job". And she was PISSED at me for it!!! My nice gesture of letting her have a break (she hadn't had one in the 4 hours I'd been at work, and had been at work since 8 in the morning) was construed as fucking greed on my part. I'd rather deal with side work than deal with tickets piling up on me! But hey, I'M the asshole here. Normally, I'd just blow something like this off, but I was fucking letting her rest for god's sake!! My niceness gets thrown back in my face as having an alterior motive???!?!?!?! FUCK THAT BITCH!!! That is horse-shit of the highest order, and I wasn't going to take that from anyone. My boss could've tried to throw that in my face and I would've thrown it back. So, I finished the ticket I was working on and I turned it over to her. And stood back, trying occasionally to help, but being blown off everytime. So, I just stood there. And when my boss came back to help and asked me what I was doing, I told her I was, and I quote, "staying out of the way." If looks could kill I wouldn't be writing this post right now. The bitch had the nerve to get even more pissed at me, finish the plate she was working on, and LEAVE. She left an hour early. Because I'm such an asshole, don't you see? I was even MORE pissed at that! GOD damn her! I was so mad and so frustrated that anything that happened for the next 15 minutes that wasn't perfect almost set me off. Several messed-up orders went flying across the kitchen into the trash can.

However, the moment has passed. I needed to vent though, and damned if this isn't as good a place as any. The best part though? My boss said, upon hearing my explanation, that "if that's how she's going to be she doesn't need to be working evenings. We can do just as good or better without her." And there may have been a comment about how she needs to either take different drugs or get off the ones she's on to get more in touch with reality. How cool is that? I guess I've made a good impression on her eh?

My god I was pissed off though. I mean, take my kind gesture and throw it back in my face, and you don't expect me to be mad? And for THAT reason??!? That's REDICULOUS beyond belief. I think that's the part that makes me the most mad. I mean, if you're going to accuse me of something, at least make it a GOOD reason for my being an ass, not that I wanted to do my fucking job. God damn, just, god damn. I don't understand people sometimes. However, I wasn't a door-mat, which is how I'd usually handle someone being mad at me, so that's good. Damn people...so how was your day?

~Dan

Poker?

2005-09-06T14:46:00.000-05:00

I've had the question posted to me a few times over the last few weeks, and I figured it was blog-worthy...

What's all the fuss over poker?

Now, I can't speak for most people, but I can speak for me. First though, I'm of course talking about the card-game poker, and specifically the most popular version of the game, Texas Hold'Em. It's obviously shot upwards in popularity over the last 2-3 years, with more and more people watching, learning, and, of course, playing. I've always been intrested in sports/games that were a little unconventional, and had watched a couple of shows on TV the featured poker. I didn't have a clue at the time what I was watching, really (all I knew was it was poker) but it was cool, and I enjoyed it....and didn't see it again for about 5 years. Then, it exploded in populairity, and suddenly it was everywhere. And I started playing a bit on one of the free sites online (www.partypoker.net if you were wondering. I don't play there anymore, but that's where I started) and I was hooked. There is so much about the game, so many intricacies, so many strategies. It's almost endless the situations you'll find yourself in, and your reaction to those situations will dictate weather you bust or go on to win a big pot. The constant action, the constat jockeying for position makes it a great, great game. And watching the professionals on TV, the way they skillfully execute a check-raise, or a slow-play trap, or even fall for one being executed against them, is just a thing of beauty. There's so much to the game that I can barely scratch the surface without writing a book! But, I love it, and if I can manage to not play with my head lodged in my ass, I'm actually not terrible either.

Hell, the only problem I've faced is a lack of time to play, and a lack of income to go try my hand at a real table at the casino. Someday I will finally get over the hump and try it out, so for now I'll keep honing my skills online. It's just fun. So much fun. I don't care if I ever win a dime playing, I just love to do it.

~Dan

Photograph

2005-09-01T22:24:00.000-05:00

I heard a song last week that has instantly become my favourite song of all time. I don't know if it's the lyrics or the great guitar track, or, more probably both, that I love so much. But, it's a song about reflection on your life, letting go of the past and moving on. Very, very appropriate for me at this point in my life.

Nickelback - Photograph

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head

And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must have done it half a dozen times

I wonder if It's too late
Should i go back and try to graduate
Life's better now that it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in

Oh oh oh
Oh god I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom door
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops seen us hanging out
They said somebody went and burned it down

Goodbye

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we'd find out how if feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since god knows when

Oh oh oh
Oh god I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it

So hard to stay
So hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I ha¢ the photo album spread out on my bedroom door
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
Everytime I do it makes me

This song has hit me so hard it's hard to describe. I have so many regrets, so many parts of my life that I'm ashamed of, that it's hard to let go. I have wronged so many people, I have let my family down, I have been self-absorbed to the point of shutting people out. I've lied, cheated, stole, and lied some more. I have lived my life in the moment, never looking at who may be hurt by what I'm doing, never looking to see the consequences of my actions. Never caring. And worst of all, I've dwelled on it so much that I can't move past it. I don't feel worthy of happiness. I don't feel like I deserve a good life. I don't feel like I deserve anything, and it's stressed me out so much I'm ragged. My emotions are wound so tight I'm ready to cry at any sort of emotional scene, any song (see above) that hits me, just about anything. I cried the first time I heard this song fully (which was today on the way home from school). This is my life right now. I am wound so tightly in the past that I can't move forward. I've created such a pool of shit here that I don't know if I can swim my way out. I've tried to be better, I've tried to change, but after a week my mind and body starts trying to fall into old habits. I've been doing really great for about 2 weeks now, and something in me is trying to fall back into my old lazy habits. I hate myself for this. I hate that I can't be the great man I know I can be. I hate that I can't be all that MJ sees in me. I hate that I can't be a great father to those kids. I hate me, and my inability to maintain any changes I make. I want so desperately to be the man MJ wants. I want so desperately to be the guy who just up and does everything he's supposed to. I want to be the guy who can be counted on to be reliable. Most of all though, I want to be happy, and I'm incapable of happiness right now. Something in me has blocked me. Something in me is fighting to stay buried. Something in me won't come out. I want it out! Why won't it come out so I can get past this?!?!?!?! Why can't I just live up to what I can be? Why can't I love the way I'm loved in return? Why can't I be me, instead of who I've created? Why can't I get over my mistakes and just move on with my life? Why do I still feel the pressures of my youth even today? Why can't I just be? Why won't I let myself go, let the past go? I'm so wrapped up in the mistakes of the past that I keep repeating them. I want to move forward, and I know the path to happiness, so why do I keep sabotaging myself, keep stopping myself everytime I make a step down that path? Why do I feel so undeserving of happiness? Why can't I come up with any answers to ANY of these questions?

Sunday Recap #1

2005-08-28T12:48:00.000-05:00

Ok, so, format changes and all that have caused my blog to, in one reader's comment, "suck". However, I'm going to see if I can't devote a little more time during the day to blogging things that actually come to my mind, as opposed to racking my brain at the end of a long day trying to find something I can write about that won't take me too long but will still come across as interesting to my readers and anyone who stumbles across my Canuck's Corner. I feel like I have more to say, but when it comes down to it, I just don't have the time when I'm exhausted and ready to fall over asleep. So, look for more and better posts in the near future. I can't guarnatee they'll be there, but you can look for them. So, on to the recap!

Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. Procrastination/Time Management. For the most part, it's been really, really good this week. The house has looked pretty darn good, and has stayed that way. And, with my vacuuming and cleaning the litter boxes everyday, the house smells a whole lot better. I couldn't really tell before, but now you can really tell the difference. Plus, it doesn't look nearly as dusty as it used to either. Which is nice, given that it only took a week for things to look like they had a coat of dust before. That was my fault, for not keeping up with the vacuuming and dusting, but now that I am, you can really see the difference. Who knew?

2. Weight. I've started working again, and with work, I've been more active, and being more active, I guess I'm losing weight. MJ noticed and commented today that I looked a little slimmer in the gut (one of my major bad areas). Plus, we cleaned out our closet today, and when I was seeing what pants to pack away and/or throw out, I was shocked by the pants that I could do up and that didn't look all that bad on me. I was SURE that most of them, especially my khakis and black slacks, would have to be packed away. But loe and behold, I could button them, and they didn't look tight around my thighs and ass. Will wonders never cease? But, I still have a long way to go, and given that I can eat for free during my shift at work, that means that portion control is going to be huge for me. I have to use that thing I recently discovered I had...willpower. The temptation to eat my weight is pretty high, but I only really slipped once this week, which is pretty damn good for me.

3. Time With Family. Now that I'm working afternoon/evenings, my time with my family is at a premium, and I need to make sure that I spend it in the best ways possible, not just sitting on my computer and/or watching TV. It's hard, because the times when I see them the most are my days off, and really, no one wants to do much on their days off. But, I have to optimize my time with them, and make sure they don't miss me too much. Especially MJ, because even though we sleep in the same bed at night, she's usually out of it or totally asleep by the time I get home in the evening. I miss her, and I miss the kids. I only see them for a couple of hours on the weekdays, and thats from the time I wake them up in the morning to when I drop them off at school, and when I pick them up from school until I leave for work. 2 hours on the days I work. And with MJ, it's not even 2 hours. The extra money is a huge help, but if it starts putting too much of a strain on my family, I'll bust my ass to find something different.

4. Procrastination Again. I have a report due tomorrow for school. Of course, I haven't started it yet, and it's now 10:00pm. I've known about it since Wednesday, and granted, it's only a page, but that's still a lot when you have to organize it and make it coherent, not to mention find 4 sources to use. I could've easily had it done, or mostly done before now, but I left it. And now I suffer for it. But, that's what happens, and that's what I've always done. And I'll be up until midnight or later because of it. For the next projects, I'm not going to fall into this trap. I have to get them done, because there's no way I'll be able to get them done properly at the last minute. There's going to be way too much to do.

5. Lies. Now, given that it's the entire week I'm recapping here, you'd think that there'd be at least 1 or 2 things I need to confess here, or at least make reference to. But there isn't. The only reason there's a number 5 here is because I have to constantly remind myself that lies are totally unacceptable, and I can't tell even a single 1 without destroying any trust or goodwill I've built up. This has to be a constant reminder to me, and so it's going to be here all the time. The only problem I've had this week is not telling things to MJ when I find them out, and it causes confusion when all the details are revealed. That's something I REALLY need to work on, and so I have to keep reminding myself to do it.

Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. MJ. I miss her. We don't get to spend enough time together, and when we do, I'm away on my computer or something of the like. I need to stop that, or at the very least, cut down on it so we can at least spend some time in the same room together. I miss her, a lot. I can't wait for my visa to get straightened out so I can work a normal schedule and actually see her for more than an hour or two a day. It's good for our relationship, because the extra money reduces some of the stresses we have, but it's bad, because we're used to seeing so much of each other, and now we hardly see each other at all. A quick kiss when she gets home and I'm on my way out is hardly a good substitute for talking to her about her day. But, even though I miss the heck out of her, I still love her more than anything, and she will always be the thing I'm most thankful for. And since I know she's going to read this...

I LOVE YOU BABY! ~kiss~

2. The Kids. They're taking my working and not being there farily well, in my opinion. Course, I'm not there to see if they weren't, but I'm sure MJ would tell me if they were taking it badly. I was especially worried about Sissy, because she's quite sensitive to changes in routine, but she's taken it like a little trooper. They're great, all 3 of them, and I love them to pieces too. And they're all doing fantastic at school, which is a major plus (especially with how bad Bub's grades were last year).

3. Work. As I said before, it's helping me lose a little weight, which is wonderful, but more importantly, it's increasing our income, which is slowly taking away some of the copious stress we've had over our money situation. I never really had a shortage of money in my life...my Mom would give me some if I needed it, and when I needed more I got a job. I had no bills so all the money I made I could blow however I wanted. It was wonderful, but man was I ever spoiled. The last few years have made me appreciate money all the more, since we have really never had much. There's always something that we need to buy, or something we need to have, or bills we need to pay. We have never had THAT much disposable income, never THAT much to do things as a couple, or as a family. Now, with this job, soon I think we will.

4. Life. I finally feel like my life may be coming together, like it may be getting in order. I haven't had that feeling in a lot of years, and it's pretty damn nice. I have a long, long way to go, but I'm starting to feel like I'm building a foundation, like I'm setting myself up to finally become a man, to finally be a person I'm happy with. I haven't been happy with myself in more years than I can remember, and I've hated myself for a long time. But finally, I think something's happeneing where I can finally become the person I know I can be. It's not a totally good feeling, but it's certainly the start of a good feeling.

I think I like this retrospective look on the week past. I think we'll try this again next week, and see if I still like it then. It's nice to look back and reflect on how I've felt. My memory is notoriously bad, and I think it's mainly because I don't bother to look back and actively try to remember things. Well, doing my posts this way forces me to look back, forces me to reflect, and forces me to remember. That's nice, and I definately enjoy looking back like this. So, until we meet again!

~ Dan

Mexican, It's What's For Dinner...

2005-08-28T00:07:00.000-05:00

...like every night. Man, when you work at a restaurant that serves a certain cuisine, you pretty much resign yourself to eating that kind of food. But man, I didn't think it would be possible to work at a restaurant where virtually nothing sounded good. I mean, I have an entire kitchen at my disposal, and I settled for something very pedestrian just because nothing else sounded good. Does that strike anyone else as odd? Probably not, given that anyone can get sick of their favourite food if they eat it too much. But, it's still damn good, and being a cook I can screw with recepies to change them to my own tastes. I'm still convined they need to put a taco with queso on the menu, given that at least half of the staff makes that for themselves on a fairly regular basis. Course, their queso is just excellent anyways.

Just a lazy day today. It was made easier because I've kept things fairly clean over the last week, so it doesn't take much to get things tidied and clean. Just pick up a few items that've been tossed on the floor, run the vacuum, load the dishwasher and wipe of the counters and it's done. Tomorrow though, laundry, so that'll take up a chunk of the day. However, it's not that bad, since we've been doing a load here-and-there over the last week.

Not much else to report right now, especially since I can barely keep my eyes open...lol. A total of like 5 hours sleep last night/today (and that includes a nap) and 7 hours of work will do that to you. It's a good tired though, a satisfied tired. Now I'm off to snuggle with that gorgeous creature I get to call "wife". Let's see, I have a very satisfying day, a fairly clean house, a day-off from work tomorrow, and I get to hop in bed with a beautiful woman. Yea, this has been a good Saturday. Night everyone!

~ Dan

Working is Good...

2005-08-25T23:43:00.000-05:00

I've had part-time jobs before, and while working was all fine and good (let's face it, you have to have some money when you're 18) I didn't really care one way or the other when I was at work, and I really didn't take much pride in what I did. I did my jobs well, but I couldn't have cared less about being there. All that has changed though. I'm not contributing to my family, something MUCH bigger than myself, and it feels GOOD to be doing it. My back hurts every night when I get home, and I don't complain 1 bit, because it doesn't bug me. I don't dread going into work and being hot, busting my ass for too-little money. No, I look forward to bringing home some money so we can get the kids flashy new shoes, or nice winter clothes, or maybe even take MJ out on a nice date-night (shhh, don't tell her!). I get more satisfaction out of busting my butt for 5 hours a night than I did for a lot of the school I've taken (though working as a result of my education will make things even nicer!). It just feels good to be more than a lump on the couch that runs the vacuum and puts up the laundry, you know? Now I'm the lump on the couch that runs the vacuum, puts up laundry, and brings home some money too. So much satisfaction out of something so little. Weird how that works, eh?

~Dan

So, Now What?

2005-08-23T22:04:00.000-05:00

Ok, we're now 30 posts in, and are going strong. So now what? Man, coming up with topics while driving and working is easy, but remembering them when you finally get a chance to sit down at your computer and write about them? Forget about it, I'm useless!

We did get a bit of good news though. Today, I was re-enrolled at Spartan for 1 class, "American History, 1865 to Present". Now, why is this good news you ask? Well, this now allowed my international-student advisor to put me back on active status, allowing my I-20 (student visa) to be processed, allowing me to stay in the country and get my residency. You can see why this is a good thing, right? And the best part of it all? Well, for starters this was the one class I was worried about taking the test to clep-out of. I really don't know much about American history (more Canadian, shocking, I know) so I was going to have to do a TON of studying to pass the test. But, the BEST part? Somehow, I ended up with a credit on my account with Spartan. I don't know how this happened given that I paid the exact amount each class I took, but I ended up with over $1150 in my account! So, not only am I re-enrolled, but I'm taking the class essentially for free (my only cost? $50 to be re-admitted). There was even enough left over to buy the books for the class! Man, how this happened I'll never know, but it did, and I'm happy. So, tomorrow, I go back to school for (hopefully) the last time in my program at Spartan. I shouldn't have any trouble testing-out of the 2 Physics classes I have left (I only have to take 1 test and it'll get me out of both classes). Man, it'll be weird going back there again, but it's only like an hour-and-a-half each day, Monday to Thursday. It'll take me almost as long to drive there-and-back as it will to take the class everyday. But, that'll give me some time to do some housework, have a little rest time, and go to work after MJ gets home. Should work out pretty well, I hope. I'll probably be exhausted, but it's only for about 5 more weeks.

Man, time flies when you're on a roll, doesn't it? Work tonight went pretty darn quick cause we had a fairly steady-stream of traffic into the restaurant. That kept me from checking my watch too much, and that made the night just fly by. And now, here I am posting, and I look at the clock, and it's after 10:30! Man, you get on a topic and go with it, and all of a sudden it's late and you need to get to bed! Well, that sounds like a good idea to me (since I won't be going back to sleep after MJ leaves tomorrow) so I'm off! Stretching out in bed beside the beautiful woman I married sounds really, REALLY good right now, so I think I'll do that. More of my rambling about stuff that'll probably bore you coming up tomorrow! Night all!

~ Dan

30 Posts!

2005-08-22T23:15:00.000-05:00

Well, I've actually made it to 30 posts. I didn't think I'd last more than a week on here, and I'm posting more now than I did for the first few weeks I owned this blog! This post will make 30, total, so far, and yet another change in format. I'm still going to be making the lists of Things I Need To Change About Myself and Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life, but I'll only be making those posts once a week. I'm thinking either Friday or Sunday, as a way to look back over the week and reflect on how I did. The rest of the week's going to be filled with random thoughts and quibbles, basically whatever comes to mind, when it comes to mind. Work, kids, wife, TV, sports, whatever! If I feel like gabbing about it, you'll see it here. I'm still going to post at least once a day, so you guys won't be too short of content, but it should be a little more entertaining.

As for tonight, well, as it pretty-much par for the course lately, it's late, I have to be up early, and I'm tired as hell. So, having said all of that, I'm going to head off to bed right now, but look for the first real post of the new format sometime tomorrow. It could be fun, it could be a flop that drives my mountains of readers away, but at least it should be interesting.....for a day or two. So, you should expect your (my?) next format change in about a month (lol). Happy reading all, and feel free to leave comments!

~ Dan

Randomness...

2005-08-21T23:47:00.000-05:00

Alright, I missed a post yesterday, and I'm beat today, so I'm going to take a bit of a break for tonight. However, I was reminded today about how great a movie "My Cousin Vinny" was. We just got finished watching it, and it was just as good this time as it was when I first saw it. Also, I saw a few episodes of Spike TV's "Ultimate Fighter" today, and let me just say, as a fan of mixed martial arts, that was a damn good show to watch. Like 4 hours of it today, and man was that a good time. MJ hates MMA and says it's boring as shit ("almost as boring was wrestling") but I love it. There's a delicate science in trying to knock a guy out or for him to submit while simultaneously trying to make sure he doesn't knock you out or get you in a hold so painful you have to give up or have a bone broken. It really is a sport elevated almost to an art-form at its highest levels (the beauty of a high-kick landing with precision on a guy 6 inches taller than you can't be described). But that's just my opinion...lol.

Ok, I was going to go on a long string of random thoughts, but it took me 2 minutes just to come up with another one, so I'm going to call it a night right now. The only reason it took 2 minutes was because I'm falling asleep at my keyboard...so I'm going to go fall asleep on my pillow instead. We'll go for random thoughts tomorrow, just for fun. Night all!

~ Dan

From A Negative To A Positive...

2005-08-19T23:23:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty good day today, I believe, and since I think I did, I'm going to reward myself and not post anything negative today. It's like the anti-yesterday!

Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. The contract came. We've been waiting for this damn contract for my student loan for weeks now (and been waiting on the loan for years, though that's my fault. Procrastination and no balls, but I"m not posting negative, so no more of THAT talk) and it FINALLY came today. Now all we have to do is get it filled out and sent in, and within a week or two we should have the money. Pay off the truck, build a shed, make some house repairs...all the fun stuff that we've been waiting for ever to do. My fault again, but I'll post about that tomorrow or something. So, once we get that, things should smooth-out a bit around here (paying off the truck frees up over $350 a month itself!).

2. Work. Yes, I am indeed once again part of the working-poor. I got a job working in the kitchen of the local Mexican restaurant doing chef-work. I'm not going to claim I'm a chef, but I do some of the cooking, so it's like I'm a chef. It's not a ton of money by any stretch of the imagination, but even an extra $100 a week will help us in a big way. I should make close to double-that, so that'll help smooth things around here as well. We've had a lot of money-related stress, and anything we can do to alleviate that is a good thing. Plus, it's good to feel like I'm contributing something more than just hassles to the family. I see my working as only a good thing, and I'm glad it's just a part-time thing to get me back in the swing of working before I get a real job working on airplanes. Good to get back in the saddle, so to speak...

3. Pets. I was greeted by a smiling, hyper dog when I got home from work today. Me being gone for so long in the evening is not in our normal routine (by any means) so she probably didn't know what was going on, and was just glad to see me. I was getting affection from all the pets, even after I took a shower and didn't smell like Mexican food. It was a nice greeting when I got home.

4. A Clean House. I busted my hump today to get the living room, kitchen, and our bedroom clean while MJ was at work and the kids were at school. And you know what? It looked pretty darn good, if I do say so myself. It's amazing how a nice clean house can lift your spirits after a long day of working (only 6 hours at the restaurant, but over 10 total today, including the house). It's just nice, and I'll have another great long day tomorrow too (have to mow the lawn, clean up the yard, then go to work again in the eveing) to appreciate the clean house.

5. That today was much better than yesterday. I didn't enjoy that feeling, at all, and I don't want to experience it again. If I can keep this work-ethic, or even something close to it, I'll be happy, and I think everyone around me will be happier too. Working will add a little structure that I sorely needed, which should help a lot of other areas of my life too.

I just feel good, like I accomplished a lot. And I did, which makes it feel even better. Now I'm going to take my tired butt and sore-back to bed, and hope tomorrow's just as good!

~ Dan

2 In A Row...

2005-08-18T21:11:00.000-05:00

Fun, it's fun! Blogging is fun. Trust me, you should do it too!

Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. Time management. You take 2 steps forward, then 5 steps back! Bad time management (coupled with #2 below) caused me to take a big step back today. I managed to get done half of what I was supposed to do today, which took me all of 2 hours...leaving me about 6 hours of time that I just messed around with. A bit of a step back, wouldn't you say? I'm going to make myself lose everything I enjoy in the day, all in an effort to make me get off my ass during the day. I can't let this happen to myself. Complacency is my enemy, and I CAN'T let it get the best of me.

2. Procrastination. Why do something now when you can put it off until later? That's like my mantra, and I HATE IT. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT!!! But I can't force myself to stop. Why can't I you ask? I have no idea. There has to be something more in me that I'm just not happy with, something more that I just can't reach right now. But why can't I still do what I'm supposed to do? Why? Get your act together.

3. Weight. Used the weed-eater around the yard today, so I had a bit more exercise, but still not nearly enough.

4. Me. Everytime I think I'm improving I stop working. Everytime, without fail. Why I stop, I just don't know, and I think it has something to do with the root of #2 above. I'm a fuck-up, and I can't stop. I have to stop. I HAVE to. Someone post something and help me, please?

Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

Not in a thankful mood right now. I have tons to be thankful for, but frankly, what I'm doing for to my life kinda overshadows it right now. Sorry, if anyone's disappointed...

~ Dan

Holy Hell I Missed A Day...

2005-08-17T22:20:00.000-05:00

Damn, that's the first one I've missed in 11 days, which sucks, to say the least. Ah well, I'm back on the horse, and ready for another installment!

Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. Motivation. Ok, I know everyone suffers from a lack of motivation sometimes, but for me, if I don't want to do something, it takes a hurculean effort to get it done. I've just lost my motivation somewhere along the line, and I haven't been able to find it. I think I'm just bogged down with life, and I'm not having any fun. That seems the most plausable explanation, and makes the most sense in my internal dialogue. I have flashes where I just get a lot done, and continue to get a lot done. I just wish I could harness whatever gets me going then, and use it whenever I need it. I'm doing fairly good now, and I need to force myself to continue. The house looks pretty good, the ants are gone, the house doesn't stink anymore (animals, love 'em, but hate all the hair), and we're just a little happier at home. I can keep this up, I know I can.

2. Lies, as a reminder...

3. Weight. I'm totally out of shape, and I hate myself for it. There's absolutely no reason I can't go running after I take the kids to school in the mornings, or take Zoe for a walk after I drop them off, but for some reason, I just don't. I was helping Monkey learn to ride her bike without training wheels today, and I was getting winded just running across the front of Grandma's house. Granted, the position I was in was very, very akward, but there's no reason I should've been that out-of-breath that quickly. Well, no reason other than I'm a big fat-ass, who can't take a deep breath when bending over because of his big fat stomach. I need to wake up, because I don't like myself physically, I know I'm not as attractive as I could be, and I'm not getting any younger. I know I'm staring health-problems in the eye, and if I don't change over the next 5-10 years, I'll be a heart-attack waiting to happen, not to mention the risk of diabetes. Wake up Dan! A half-hour a day isn't too much to ask, is it?

4. Time Management. You managed to organize your list of QB picks for fantasy football, why couldn't you get the laundry sorted and put up? Yea, you'll use the excuse that you didn't want to wake our company up, but what excuse will you come up with tomorrow? Get your work done, on time, and you'll be able to do the things you want to do, with no hassles or problems! Just do it in a timely manner, and you'll be fine. Why does this seem so hard to understand?

Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. My wife. We had company over for the last few days, and for some reason, the company inadvertantly opened my eyes to what I was taking for granted. My wife is a beautiful creature, who's laugh and smile makes me positively beam with joy. Why I managed to take that for granted for the last year is beyond me, but my eyes are open again, and I sure as hell hope they don't close to the majestey that is my wife.

2. Diversions. Yea, I use them as an excuse to get out of work, and yea, I use them too much INSTEAD of work, but I love the little things I do to get through my day. I've recently rediscovered my love of making model cars, and I'm in the process of painting the pieces of a 1967 Ford Mustang GT. Black, with black and red interior. Should be nice to display on my desk. The PS2 has been taking up a little of my time recently. I still haven't beat "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas" yet (and boy have I ever got a rant on the whole "hidden sex scene" fiasco in me) but "Call of Duty" and now "Splinter Cell" have grabbed me in their talons. And TV, since we got the deal on DirecTV. I've so-far managed to keep a fairly decent balance between my diversions and my work, but I know if I'm not dilligent I'll fall off the other side back into my old habits. Diversions are fun, but I have to keep up with my work, or the vicious cycle of anger and deceit could start up fresh all over again.

3. Poker. Yes, I'm one of the ones jumping on the new poker bandwagon, even though I've been watching it for over 5 years now. I never actively played until just recently, and the free poker rooms at pokerstars.net and others are a god-send for those of us who have no money but still want to hone our skills. And, as it turns out, if I can keep my head out of my ass and follow my instincts, I'm really not all that bad a player. Who knew?

I could (and will) go on another time, as I'm starting to dig a little deeper inside myself for my worries and problems, as well as the things that I really enjoy and am thankful for in life. I was skeptical at first, but finding new material for this blog (even I don't want to read the same crap over and over again) has forced me to think harder about myself, my anxieties, and the joys in my life. I shall continue, and I hope if you're reading this, you'll tag along, as it could prove to be a rather interesting ride.

Until tomorrow!

~ Dan

7'll Be Even Easier Tomorrow...

2005-08-16T00:53:00.000-05:00

What with my being mildly drunk right now. Ok, This oughtta be interesting...here we go!

Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. Lies. I've been quite good lately, but with the huge number I told before I really started reporting on it, I need to be VERY good for a long, LONG time before my goodness will really hlpe things. But, I've been good lately, so that's progress...

2. Weight. All the beer I drank tonight can't be hlping things, but it sure was fun!

3. Self-Control. I just need to have more. Believe me, I don't have nearly enough, and I have a feeling I'm going to make a bit of a fool of myself tonight with my lack of control. Maybe I won't, but I have a feeling I will...

Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life...

1. My wife. She just looked so good today, all day long. She's such a beautiful creature that it pains me I have no better way of expressing her beauty. She's just gorgeous, and I can't say it enough.

2. Fun. I had quite a bit of fun today, including, but not limited to the drinking/games we played with our guest tonight.

3. Love. I'm in love. It's good. Very, very good. She's beautiful, and I'm not, so it's even better for me. She makes me look much better than I am, whoch I'm thankful for.

4. Friends. My wife is my best friend in the world, but there are so many more, and I'm thankful for every one of them. I just can't say enough about them, putting up with my crap, my general disinterest, and yet still loving me back. I can't say enough about those who do that for me. They're amazing, every one of them. My wife especially, but all the rest as well.

Ok, I'm a little tipsy right now, so I'll be happy if there's only 1 or 2 typos in that whole post. However, typing while drunk/tipsy is a very interesting experience. Ah well, I'm signing off right now...happy reading!

~ Dan

7:00am Is Going To Come Mighty Early...

2005-08-15T01:09:00.000-05:00

Yea, gotta get up at 7 to get the kids off to school. Didn't wake up today until noon, so you can imagine how tired I'm not right now. Ah well, I'll make it there eventually.

Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. Healthy Eating. I felt pretty crappy today, and overal, I think I have a lot more crappy days than I do good ones. And I have a feeling that my nuitrition (or lack thereof) has something to do with that. Portion control is all find and good, but if you're not eating well it's just not helping as much as it could and should. Plus I just stuff myself with the worst things (pizza today, for example) to the point that I'm miserable. I really need to work on that. Which would lead to number 2...

2. Self Control. There was NO reason, at all, for me to eat 6 slices of pizza at lunch. NONE. But I did it anyways. I was hungry, yes, but I wasn't THAT hungry. I could've taken 2 slices out of that meal, been full, and saved misery and calories. But would I do something like that? If you've been reading this blog at all (or know me even a little) you know the answer to that one.

Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. Into every life, a little rain must fall. We're over 9 inches of rainfal below average right now in our area, but today/tonight we're catching up a bit. It's been wet and dreary all day, and it'll be so good for us. Everything will turn green again for awhile, the ground won't be rock-hard, and things won't be so damn hot for a few days. It'll be a nice change of pace.

2. Baseball pictures. We're finally getting them done tomorrow (yay) and hopefully I'll be able to get most/all of the team together to join the fall-league in the next-town over. That should be fun too, especially since it'll mark my first season as head-coach of the team. That'll be VERY interesting...

3. MJ. I was browsing through some pictures we've done over the course of our relationship, and I was reminded of just how amazingly gorgeous and HOT HOT HOT she is. There are too many times when I forget that behind those tired eyes is a stunning beauty who absolutely takes my breath away. I need to make those tired eyes not so tired. My god she's amazing.

Sorry, I know I praise MJ a lot on here, and it's mainly because I don't feel like I do it enough in real life. I'm just hit by reminders of how awesome she is, and I can't express it enough in words. Today is no exception, as I saw those pics again, and just couldn't stop looking. She's amazing, absolutely amazing...

~ Dan

Tired...

2005-08-14T01:19:00.000-05:00

I really, REALLY need to stop leaving these until so late in the evening/morning. I'm a little wore out, so if I short you again, you'll have to forgive me.

Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. Time Management. A little step backwards today, as I could've got a lot more done, but didn't because I used my time for other reasons (a nap being the first to come to mind).

2. Weight. No dinner tonight, just a snack, and that should help a bit.

3. Stop being so angry. If you've got an opinion, just let it out, instead of holding it in until you're about to burst!

Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. My Wife. She's the only thing that I'm truly thankful for every day of my life. She puts up with more from me, and gives it right back. We fight, bicker, and nag each other, but in the end, we still love and cherish each other's existance. I would not be me without her at my side. "Behind every great man is a great woman" is a good phrase, but behind this ok man is the best woman. I love you baby...

~ Dan

And There It Goes Again...

2005-08-13T00:10:00.000-05:00

Ok, so it's after midnight, so technically I missed a day of posting, but I haven't slept yet, so it still doesn't count. But, since it's so late and I need to be up in 5 hours, a short post tonight.

Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. Lies...just a reminder.

2. Weight, same deal

3. Time Management. HUGE step forward on this today, as I got my stuff done! Now, if I can keep it up tomorrow, this place may just be clean for our company this weekend! And keep it up even more after that. Very proud of myself, actually.

Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. My wife. She's the best, she's amazing, she's funny, smart, fun, and all that wrapped up in a b-e-a-utiful package. I'm a lucky, luck man.

2. Babies. Yea, a weird one, but I spent 30 minutes this evening entertaining a 3 month-old baby, and about 3 hours total helping keep her happy. That was a fun, fun time, and even when she was screaming it didn't bug me that much. Makes me want one of my own even more now...though we're a little ways away from trying.

3. Dinner with friends. Well, in this case, friend, but it was a fun evening out with my wife, our friend, 2 of her kids, and myself.

Ok, not as quick as I thought it was going to be, but still pretty quick. See you tomorrow!

~ Dan

Hey Look! I Got My Wit Back!

2005-08-11T22:39:00.000-05:00

It's always in the last place you look. So, without further ado (and no witty comment, just cause I'm a tease) on to the post!

Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. Time Management. I have TERRIBLE time management. To the point that I leave 1 hour to do 4 hours of work in. Tomorrow will be the ultimate test of the newish me. We're having company over on Saturday, and, of course, when you have company, you clean like people posessed! And since MJ works, and I'm the house-husband, I get to clean. It's a good thing the kids are back in school, cause I'm REALLY bad with my time when they're around. This way I'll have a big whack of time to get things done. And I can do this, I know I can.

2. Lies. You know why.

3. Time Management. It's so important right now I have to put it twice. I think I'm finally getting it licked (who knew when you kept up with cleaning it took you less time everyday to keep things nice? When did this happen and why didn't anyone tell me?)

4. Weight. Better control today (only 2 pieces of chicken, a bunch of green beans, and a bunch of mashed potatoes. A pretty good, sensible meal if I do say so myself). And lunch was 3 hot dogs, not 4. Better, but again, I need to get more exercise. If I keep reminding myself, one of these days I'll remember (hey, I finally remembered to fix the nick in the blade of my knife today. Only took a month!)

Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. My wife. MJ is the best woman in the world, and I defy anyone to tell me different. You'll be a bigger liar than I ever was, and then I'll laugh at your pathetic existance.

2. Lucy. That's the cat that MJ got for herself, who has kinda adopted me. She's a cuddle-slut in the worst way, but she purrs like no-one else when I'm giving her scritches, and I appreciate that. She's sitting right next to me right now actually. She started as the runt of the litter, but she survived, and is now a healthy 1-year-old cat. And beautiful too. I'll post a picture sometime.

3. Zoe. I can't mention pets without mentioning my baby girl. She's litterally my first child, and is mine, all mine. I love that dog. Again, I'll post pictures sometime. I'm especially fond of the time I gave her a bath, then went and cut the lawn, only to have her roll in the fresh clippings and make herself half-green. My GOD that was funny. And agravating at the same time too (she's not the best about staying still for a bath).

4. The kids. They took the first day of school so well. I really think Bub's going to get his act together this year. He started 5th grade, and they change classes now. That should keep things interesting enough that he doesn't get too bored, and that'll keep him on-task. I know he's got it in him, I just hope he shows it this year. Sis just loves school. She puts out a very shy vibe, but when she's in class, she just relishes the attention she gets, especially when she gets an answer right, or is asked to read something. It's like it's her time to shine, and she uses it all. And Monkey. What can we say about her? It was literally her first day of school, and she took it so well it was scary. She gave us all big hugs and kisses, then off she went to play with her new friends. She's going to do so well this year. All summer she drove me nuts, asking "Is it school-time yet?" "Is it time to go to school yet?" "Is that my new school right there?" (They just built a new school for the K-4 to 1st graders) She was so ready for this, and took it like a pro. I'm so proud of her. Of all of them. This is going to be a good year, I can feel it!

5. My Wife. So nice I mentioned her twice.

6. Music. I love good music. Sometime I'll elaborate a little more on my musical tastes, but for now, I wanted soemthing a little more light, a little more relatable to my readers. And I'm thankful for it, and it's in my life. I just wish I had my sub-woofer box working properly in my car.

Ok, I think 10 things total is enough for tonight. I think I had a pretty good day today. Didn't accomplish much, but then again taking care of dinner and cleaning the kitchen took up a big whack of my time. Tomorrow will be much busier. Night all!

~ Dan

No Witty Comments Today, I'm All Witted Out...

2005-08-10T22:41:00.000-05:00

Yea, the title says it all.

Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. I need to stop finding a scapegoat for every mistake I make and have made. I need to take responsibility for my actions, learn from them, and move on. Why I haven't done this yet is beyond me, but it's something I need to keep in the forefront of my mind. My marriage may depend on this. And my chance at a happy life.

2. I need to visit my Father. I haven't been to his grave since we buried him, almost 10 years ago. I have a lot of guilt over this. In fact, I have a lot of guilt and regret over a lot of things involving my Dad. It's one of those things I need to stop using as a scapegoat actually. But, that's for me to work out. Suffice to say, I believe I have a lot of greiving to do about my Dad, that I haven't allowed myself to do yet.

3. Weight, just to keep it in my thoughts. Not bad today, as I didn't have any french fries, but had another burger instead. That's gotta be a little better.

4. Lies. Square one today, like I said yesterday, and so far, so good.

3 Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. Memories of my Dad. I think part of the reason I feel so guilty about his passing was the promise he always saw in me. Also, he never got to see the fruits of his early-morning labours (hockey practices at 7 on a Saturday morning...yikes) when I became a star athlete in high school. But, I am, and will always be, thankful for the things he did for me, and the great memories I have as a result.

2. My wife, for being simultaneously understanding and tough, pushing through to the heart of the issue and telling me flat-out how things needed to be. She still amazes me, after over 4 years of being together. In a lot of ways, I'm still getting to know her.

3. The kids, for driving me up a tree. And we took the training-wheels off Monkey's bike today. Yikes...

Yea, my life right now is interesting. I'm not going to say good or bad, just interesting. More hard work and dedication could make things good, but becoming lazy and/or passive could be my downfall. I'm walking a fine line right now, but at least I acutally know and understand that I am. No blinders this time. That's all for me tonight...

~ Dan

And The Beat Goes On.........

2005-08-09T22:20:00.000-05:00

.........the beat goes on.

Some Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. Lies. A step backwards today. A small lie that was out of my mouth before I knew what hit me, and I was immediately called on it, so no retraction could be made by me. I don't even know why I lied about it, since it's something totally benign. Maybe I just didn't want her to know how I knew she was home all the time. Still, a terrible reason to lose all the progress I'd made. Square one again tomorrow...

2. Weight. BIG meals today. No snacks, but I definately overate today. On the plus side, I got in the pool with the kids again, and running in water is HARD. So is throwing a combined weight of 200lbs around the pool. So, some exercies anyways, but portions? A Somolie child could've ate for a month on my dinner alone...

3. Procrastination. I didn't do a whole lot today until the last hour and a half before MJ got home. And it was lucky she was as late as she was, cause we managed to accomplish a lot in that time. But, had I got to it earlier, I could've got most of the bedroom done too. Ah well, that's for tomorrow I guess.

Some Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. My wife. For keeping me honest, even when I'm not being honest.

2. Poverty. I was spoiled before I moved down here. Now I understand just how important an extra $100 a month can be. Appreciation of a buck is something I never had, and I'm thankful to have learned my lesson. Now where's my gold-plated Bently?

Tired tonight, if you can't tell. More tomorrow I promise...

~Dan

The Epic Trilogy is No Longer a Trilogy

2005-08-08T22:29:00.000-05:00

Ok, the names are getting really lame now, can anyone help? Comments people, comments!

Slight change in todays post. I'm not going to limit myself to 3 anymore. It may be more, it may be less, it may be 3, but I'm not going to contain myself like that. So, here we go!

Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. Lies, duh...

2. I need to learn from my mistakes, especially with the kids. I overreacted to a situation with Bub and Sis today, and grabbed Bub by the back of the neck to remove him from the situation. It wasn't too hard, no bruising or anything, but I didn't give him any warning, any chance to move away himself, I just saw a situation, and reacted. I reacted badly, and I'm sorry for that. It led to a big argument between MJ and I, but once things calmed down, I saw that I was badly in the wrong, and apologized to everyone involved. As usual, MJ helped me see how I could've handled it better, and I'll hopefully be better off because of it.

3. Weight. No, I didn't walk the dog today. You may all commence jumping my ass for it. I did, however, get in the pool with the kids today, and if throwing them around for 45 minutes doesn't count as exercise, I don't know what would. But, I still need to do better. I ate too much for dinner tonight (lunch was just 2 tuna salad sandwiches, so not too bad) so that's something I need to work on.

Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. The kids, and our pool. An odd combination, I know, but I got in the pool with them tonight, and we had a blast. I threw them around, they gang-tackled me and tried to drown me...fun was had by all.

2. Our pets. I've mentioned the dog before, but we also have 3 cats, and a ferret. And we've been adopted by a family of cats as well (a mom and 5 kittens). I tell you, there's nothing quite like having your fat cat sit on your chest at 4 in the morning and nose you with her wiskers. Or the little cat following you around the house. Or the oldest laying on your chest at night, purring away while you read a book before you sleep. And the ferret...well, if you've ever been around a ferret, you know what I'd say, and if you haven't, it's just really hard to describe. Sufice to say, there is much laughing. Pets are a blessing, and I wish our house was bigger so we could have more. I love them all, and can't wait to have more land and more room for a bigger family.

3. Arguments. An odd thing to be thankful for, I know, but not feeling like I had to bottle-up my emotions today felt WONDERFUL. Sure, there was much yelling, and hurt feelings, and well, it was an argument, so it wasn't exactly fun, but it was us being honest with each other about how we felt in a situation. And that was refreshing to me, and felt good.

4. My friends. I know there aren't many in this part of the world, as I haven't been the most avaliable person ever, but those few I have, I appreciate and love every one of them. I need to change that about myself too...maybe that'll go in tomorrow's post. I need to be more outgoing around friends, more approchable, and less stand-offish. I'm a likeable guy, so why not act like it? But I am thankful for those who have managed to chip through my tough exterior and see some of the real me inside. Thanks to all of you.

Ok, so it ended up being close to the old 3 and 3, but not quite. I think it's just better to not be constrained like that. But that's just me. Anyone think I should stick with the 3 of each, or continue just writing how I feel? Comments, as usual, are always welcome Night all!

~Dan

The Saga Continues

2005-08-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

How's that for a snappy title? I know, it's already been a "Weird Al" song, but for tonight, it serves my purposes. On with the show!

3 Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. Lies. I've elaborated on this enough in my list 2 posts, but I still need to keep on myself to make sure I don't tell anymore. And, if I catch myself lying, fess up and tell the truth, even if it's a week or a month later.

2. My self-confidence. I need to understand and know that what I feel is valid and that saying what's in my head and heart is not wrong. I've been clammed up for so long I don't know how to open up, and I'm so afraid that when I'm mad it's going to ruin something if I tell the person I'm mad at. It builds up in me, and builds and builds and builds until it explodes. I'm wound so tight sometimes that any sort of emotional thing I see; sadness, happiness, elation, causes me to almost go into tears.

And no one, especially me, is going to die if I make a decision. I'm so busy trying to make other people happy that I don't think of myself. I just try and steer it the way I want after the decision is made, when all I'd need to do is speak up right from the start. Sometimes it won't come my way, but others it will, and I just need the courage to say what I want, and what I feel.

3. Weight. Doen't look like I'm going to be eating dinner tonight, so that's a bit of an improvement. I may grab a quick snack, but it's too close to bed to eat anything big. So far, it's alright I guess. We'll just keep at it and hope for some results. Next step, exercise. We'll be walking the dog everyday, starting tomorrow. If tomorrow I don't write in here that I walked the dog, everyone comment and give me hell over it. That oughtta help...

3 Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. My wife. She smells, looks, feels, and tastes wonderful. Everyone needs a woman like her in their life, and I'm just glad mine is so beautiful.

2. My Father-In-Law. He's kinda become a father-figure to me. My Dad died when I was 12, so I never really had a strong male influence in my life. That may be part of the problem with me, and how I've grown up, but this blog is probably not the place to explore that. He's a man I look up to, one who's confidence, and ability to get things done, is something I admire. I also am thankful for him taking us out to eat just about every weekend. He loves our company, but I really think a big part is because he knows we can't really afford to get out much, and it's a way for us to get out of the house and be a couple, even if it's with him. I'm very thankful for that, and I can't wait to start working so we can begin paying him back for all the great things he's done for us.

3. The kids. They give me a chance to be truly goofy sometimes, and I think my goofiness reaches them, and makes them more comfortable with me. I know I'm hard on them, and harder than I should be. It's something I still struggle with, 3 years after I realized I was doing it, but being goofy with them, it gives me a chance to just be a Dad, not a disciplinarian. I'm still hard on them, but not nearly as hard, and only when it's really warranted. I still have to ease off a bit, but that's not what this part of the post is about. Basically, I can be a goofball, and they just love it. That's really nice to have.

Ok, another day, another post. 3 days in a row now! w00t! Be back tomorrow!

~Dan

The Assignment Continues...

2005-08-06T22:42:00.000-05:00

It occurs to me that I need to find a snappy title to these posts. Anyone have any ideas? Feel free to leave a comment, or email me at moximal@gmail.com if you can't leave comments.

3 Things I Need To Change About Myself

1. The lies need to stop. None today, which is good of course. I probably shouldn't say that every post though, because if I don't say it, it's an immediate red flag, but if I keep saying it every post, it's bound to be a lie at some point. So, no more "no lies today" in these posts. But I will probably mention this over and over...

2. I need to procrastinate less. I've taken it almost to an art form. Hell, today, for once, I got a nice early start. I was doing laundry and getting it sorted while I was being lazy in the day. But I knew I had to work on the kitchen. And it's a good thing I got started early too, because I made a bit of a mess out of changing the spray-hose. Took me 2 hours to custom-make a plate to keep the water from draining back down the hole (or original broke long ago) and causing a musty stink under the sink, then, 5 minutes after installing it, THAT one broke too. I almost threw something. Couple that with forgetting to put the spray nozzle on the hose before checking for leaks, and you can see how frustrated I got. Ah well, I got it done, and no leaks. But still, I need to procrastinate less. I started early for once today, and managed to get a few things done. It was kinda nice actually.

3. Weight again. My portion control was good today......right up until MJ asked me to make popcorn. Well, a big bowl with butter later, and the portion control was shot. But, I only at 3 hot dogs at lunch, instead of my usual 4, I didn't snack, and I had a 3-egg omlett with fried bologna and some cheddar cheese for dinner. Which is pretty reasonable for me. Now I just need some exercise to go along with the portion control..

3 Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

1. I'm thankful that my technical training at Spartan is done and over with. That was a long, long road, and it's finally finished. Now, I'm only 3 classes from my associates degree, and I've begun studying for them this week. Man I'll be happy to have them done...

2. Free Time. I had a bunch today, and I actually did what I wanted with it. I worked on getting the pieces of the model I'm working on painted. I downloaded a couple of episodes of the World Series of Poker. And, I played some PS2. All while still getting a bunch of laundry done, the dishes loaded, and the sink hose fixed. Not a bad day, especially by my standards (which as most of you probably know, are pretty low).

3. My wife again. No, she hasn't slipped down the importance list to #3, I just wanted to save the best for last. I've been able to just sit here and stare at her sleeping in bed, and a more beautiful site I'd be hard-pressed to find. Maybe her awake and smiling at me. She was exhausted today, so we just stayed home tonight. We were in the same room for 4 hours and didn't talk much, but it wasn't akward in the least. It was just nice to spend some quiet time with her, with no pressures or pretenses. And now, I get to finish the night by looking at her beautiful face, so peaceful, all curled up in one of my favourite t-shirts. And once I finish this sentence, I get to publish this post, shut down my computer, and climb into bed with her. How lucky am I? Yea, for that, I'm definately thankful...

~Dan

An Assignment...

2005-08-05T20:56:00.000-05:00

I've been given an assignment. MJ has asked me to post on here everyday in an effort to get my head on a little more straight than it is right now. The assignment? Everyday, post at least 3 things about myself I need to change, and 3 things I'm thankful for. I can elaborate if I feel like it, but it's not necessary. Not that hard, right? Well, I can tell you the first 3 will be the same just about everyday until I fix them. The second 3 though, that could be more interesting. So, consider it a "Top 3" list, courtesy of the Canuck...

3 Things I Need To Change About Myself

The Lies have to stop. We're now about a week and a half without a major lie, and about 3 days with only a minor one. Well, it's been more than a week and a half since I told a major one, but it's been about that long since I was caught in a major one. This, for me, is progress, and progress I'm very proud of. There have been times where a lie would've been the easy way out, but I've stuck to my guns and told the truth, and it felt SO good to not have it hanging over my head. This one will be recurring, as I'm a pathological liar, not to mention a coward when it comes to getting in trouble. I need this reminder that it's ok to tell the truth, and ok to get in trouble. You've weathered the worst of it, now make it better.
I need to grow a spine. I'm a coward, a child trapped in a dark room. I'm so petrified of making a wrong decision that it's killing my ability to make the right one. If I'm going to be any sort of success in life, I need to get over this paralyzing fear and just make a decision. I'm a smart, intelligent person, and I'm fully capable of making these choices and decisions. I just have trouble bringing myself to do it.
I need to lose weight. At my last weigh-in I was about 245lbs, which is only down 5lbs from my top weight. Now, I'm a husky guy to start with, and short of going totally anorexic, I'm never going to be small, but in high school I was a svelt 180lbs, and I looked GOOD. Didn't know it at the time, but I was damn good-looking. Now, I've got an extra 65lbs on me, and while still stunningly handsome, I'm also more than a little pudgy. So, I'm now using will-power to stop myself from snacking and taking huge portions, and so far, it's working. I'm not sure what I weigh, but I've passed up more than a few opportunities to grab some junk-food in the last week, and that's pretty big progress for me.

3 Things I'm Thankful For, In My Life

My Wife. Come on now, you couldn't possibly think I'd start my first post on this subject without immediatly thinking of the single most important person in my life. She's my rock, my cornerstone. The one who's there when I need a shoulder, and is there with a foot in my ass when I need that too. She doesn't think she does much, but she does more than I could ever tell her. I'm unworthy of her love and affection, I've treated her terrible, lied, stole, and done everything short of cheating, and yet she has stayed with me. She loves me. She hates me. But, she's still with me, and that gives me hope that I can change. I love her too, and only want to make her happy. I just have to become happy with myself first.
The kids. Yea, they're not mine, and yea, they're a pain in the ass, but I'm still thankful for them. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not closer to one than the other, because I know I am, and not going to kid myself about that, but watching them all grow over the last 4 years has been such a rewarding experience that I can't relate it to words. I'm a hard parent, and more strict than I probably should be (you'll be seeing that on future lists) but they love me, and I love them.
My Dog. Ok, a weird choice I know, but if you ever want to see unconditional love and affection, get yourself a puppy and raise it. She's a 65lb lap dog, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love that mutt. She drives me nuts, licks me when I don't want to be licked, and chews up paper all over the house, but I don't have a problem with any of it, because when she smiles at me, I know it's cause she's happy to see me, and I'm happy to see her.

Ok, so, list number 1 done. I could go on for days I'm sure, but I won't. At least, not tonight anyways. This has been refreshing though, and probably a little predictable as a first installment. But, fear not, my loyal readership of 3ish, because there will be some changes I'm sure.

~Dan

And on the Lighter Side...

2005-08-01T22:21:00.000-05:00

Ok, so we've been dealing with some heavy issues in my life lately, and that's been a tremendous help to me on a personal level. I've still got a long, long way to go, but with the help of this blog, my wife, and breakable things, I can work through it. So, since I'm feeling a little better (relatively) I think I'm going to try and write more here about just things that come up in life. My day-to-day life that's boring beyond belief, but still holds my interest so well. Just as an outlet for me to speak on whatever I see fit, wheather it's TV, sports, politics, or the people in the house across the street that had pizza boxes for windows, but couldn't go without their Direct TV dish!

So, tonight, we're going with TV, and my guilty pleasure of the last 8-10 weeks, "Hell's Kitchen". Man, what a fun show to watch. It's one of those "I really didn't realize just what went into preparing a gourmet meal for 80 people" sort of things. And man, was Chef Ramesy fun to watch. You could tell that behind his brash exterior, he really was just trying to bring out the best in the aspiring chefs. Towards the end, he really cared about how they performed, how the matured, and how they eventually became better chefs than they probably thought they could've.

It became clear about half-way through the season that it was Michael's show to lose. He just had the culinary flair that set him ahead of the rest of the group. Ralph came on very, very strong in the end, but I just think he was missing that final "it" that Michael had. Ralph was definately more charismatic, and a great chef, but Michael has a better taste for the job, has a better culinary sense, and his personality finally came through as he got comfortable in his role as head chef in the last episode.

And what a prize! You could practically hear the panic in Gordon Ramesy's voice as he gave Michael the choice of taking the restaurant or moving to London to study with him. If it was Ralph who won, I think he should've taken the restaurant, but Michael has 10 years to learn before he really needs to settle down to his own place. And honestly, I don't think it'll take him that long to become one of the top chefs in the world. He is good, and he will be great. The right person won.

Great premise, great characters, great conflicts, and most of all, great show.

~Dan

Wake-Up Call

2005-07-30T11:57:00.000-05:00

She threw me out. It may have only been for a few hours, but she threw me out. I wasn't sure if I was welcome back at all, but I did come back. I'm still not sure if I'm welccome back, but I'm here. Everything's on the table though. I fessed up to something that I probably wouldn't have a month ago. I've gotten all my papers filled out. I haven't finished cleaning the house (yet) but I'm working on it. I HAVE to get this together. For both of our sanities. For the kids. If she throws me out, I'll have no where to go but back to Canada, and I know there's no way I'll ever see those kids again. This is no joke anymore, and it hasn't been for awhile.

I've come to the realization that I hate myself. And can you guess where I found this out? Where a 25 year-old guy discovered he hated himself? Oprah, where else? Makes perfect sense to me! She did a show earlier this week on pathological liars, and the root of their problem. Well, almost all of it hit very close to home, and gave me a lot of insight into myself that I didn't have before. On Oprah. There's something wrong with that, but I'm not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth (or however that saying goes).

I can save this. I know I've said that before, and I'm going to continue saying it. I can fix us, I just have to start by fixing me. Take care of my responsibilities, and fix me. I can do this.

~Dan

"You Still Haven't Killed It Yet..."

2005-07-19T22:52:00.000-05:00

My wife is possibly the most understanding person in the world. Maybe understanding isn't the right word for it. Patient, forgiving, tolerant...maybe more, I'm not sure. But the fact that she's still with me shows a strength in her love for me that would rival "Romeo and Juliet's". Why do I feel compelled to abuse that love? I mean, I know she loves me, and I know that if I don't shape up, it's going to be gone, so why can't I stop abusing it? Why can't I just own up to previous mistakes, aknowledge I fucked up, take responsibility for my actions, learn from my mistakes, and never do them again. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not back to old habits, but old habits are catching up to me again. The ghost of previous fuck-ups rises again, and with it, down goes all the steps we'd taken to being a happy couple again.

She still loves me. I can still fix this. Why can't I be a fucking man? I am, I know I am, but I'm still such a scared little kid. Happiness is just sitting there, right there, waiting for me to pluck it out of the air, and I cower, helpless in the corner, petrified that if I grab for it, and miss, it'll be gone forever. WAKE UP YOU FUCKING IDIOT, YOUR LIFE IS PASSING RIGHT BY YOU!!! Take it, and make it yours. Own the mistakes, be the man, and be happy with your wife and family. You love her, you know you do, so stop killing that love she has for you.

Of Trips and Things...

2005-07-12T22:41:00.000-05:00

No updates in the last few days, and given the size of my audience, I'm sure that's not a real big blow to anyone. However, tonight, we've got a topic! Well, we've had this topic for awhile now, but I've been waiting to post about it just to make sure things were going smoothly, and our itinerary was close to complete.

MJ and I are going to my family picnic in Canada. Yep, that's right, the Canuck's going back to the land of Canucks! I'm excited about this for a couple of reasons. First off, I haven't seen most of my family in over 3 years. I haven't seen my immediate family in 2. That alone is enough to get me excited about the trip, but there's (obviously) more...

This is going to be the first vacation we've had as a couple where we didn't have some ulterior motive for going. Anytime we've gone to Canada it's been to get my stuff, or get my visa, or get a car for me. Heck, when we went to Vegas it was to get married, and all the last-minute craziness that goes along with a wedding. But this time, our only obligation is to hit the family picnic, and frankly, that's just too much fun to call an "obligation". I'm sure MJ doesn't feel QUITE that calm about it (it's her first time meeting the majority of my family) but she'll get though it just fine. She just has to be herself, and everyone will fall in love with her. I have the kind of family that's very welcoming to outsiders, and will go out of their way to make her feel welcome. Plus, with all the games and the bonfire, it's just a great social time.

Also, we're going to be hitting up the family cottage on the lake for a few days to relax and lounge by the water (or go water skiing...oh yea!). Then, our 2 year anniversary, and, I hope, a trip to Niagara Falls. No matter what happens, I'm getting her up to Niagara this trip. I've been promising it for the last 2, but this time, nothing's going to stop us. It's going to be awesome, and I know she's going to love it. After that, an overnight trip to London to visit some friends of ours, some of my old buddies, and my bro, then back to Toronto for a day or two of site-seeing in the big city. I want to hit the CN Tower and the Hockey Hall of Fame, along with a few others. So, our relaxing trip is going to be a little packed, but at any time we can just blow off our plans and sit around for the day. This is going to be one great trip, and I can't wait to show MJ the things I grew up with...

~Dan

I Am Whole Again...

2005-07-08T13:03:00.000-05:00

As a result of the problems we've been having, MJ gave me back her wedding/engagement rings. When that happened, I felt it wasn't right for me to wear mine until we had worked things out a little more. Well, last night, she gave me my ring back. And, of course, I gave her's back to her. I don't think this is a gesture that we're finally getting better so much as it indicates a willingness on her part to continue trying to work things out. Now grated, we haven't made the progress I would've wanted us to so far, but I see SOME progress, and I want more. That's better than it used to be, I can tell you that much. Before, I couldn't have cared. Now, ANY progress makes me so happy I could jump for joy. We could be ok. I want us to be ok, and I'm working to GET us ok. We're not there yet, but this is another small step. And I can't help but feel good about having this ring back where it belongs...

~ Dan

Drugs?

2005-07-03T22:57:00.000-05:00

Well, my wife's official diagnosis? A sprained knee. Which doesn't sound too bad right now, but I'm sure we're going to end up having surgery. She has a bump that feels (a direct quote here) "like someone hitting your funny-bone". I have a feeling this is tendon or ligament damage. I can't remember which attaches at that point (I think tendon, but not positive). The brace is helping her get around though, which is a positive. What's not going to be a positive is how this effects our upcoming vacation to Canada. More on that little gem in a future post, but suffice to say, we're going to be going to my yearly family picnic/reuinion, and then spending 10 total days just relaxing and seeing some sights. Like I said, more in a future entry. I'm just worried about her hurting her knee more, and I'm afraid until we get that MRI, it's just going to keep getting worse and worse. We'll see though.

*edit* Leave it to me to forget the part of the entry that relates to the title. The Dr. put her on loretabs, which is a pretty hefty pain reliever as I understand it. She used to get real itchy when she took them, but this time, no itching, just pleasant loopiness. And tiredness. But more loopy. Drugs can be fun, especially when you're getting to watch the effects...

~Dan

Sometimes I Hate Being Right...

2005-07-01T22:37:00.000-05:00

So, I have been getting on to MJ for 3 years about her knee. She goes through phases where it'll swell-up and hurt so bad she can barely stand on it, and then times where it doesn't hurt at all. I've known for awhile that she has tendon/ligament damage in there that only surgery will repair. But would she believe me? Well, she might have, but she certainly wasn't going to the Dr. to get it checked. Well, she finally reached her breaking point. Yesterday and today her knee was so swollen she was walking with a much more pronounced limp than usual, and the pain was so bad that she went to the Dr. today. And the diagnosis? Currently, a sprained knee, but he gave her a brace that covers half her leg, and orders to get an MRI done in the very near future. He believes it's cartalidge (I've never been able to spell that right) damage, and as I said, I'm sure there's some ligament/tendon damage in there as well. Once we get that MRI, I'll get to fight with her to make her have the surgery too. Sometimes her being so much like her grandmother can be a real pain. But, then again, so's not having a knee that works right. I think I know which one will win out. But dammit, she told me I couldn't say "I told you so..." Dang women and their rules...

~Dan

Improvements?

2005-06-29T22:11:00.000-05:00

Well, 5 days without an update, and not surprisingly, no cries of "where'd Dan go?" You know, I started this with the idea being that I'd have a personal forum for the crap I wanted to get off my chest, and for that, I'll be forever thankful for the blogsphere, but I wish there was a way to know if people were actually reading my ramblings. I'd still do it anyways, but curiosity has me in it's vile grip.

So, what's happened in these 5 days you may ask? Well, a lot, and no so much, all at the same time. First and foremost, MJ and I are actually communicating a little. Granted, some of it is shouting and/or snapping at each other, but it's communication. Usually, the shouting/snapping is one-sided in favour of her, but I've finally started giving back a little. But, we're also talking, which is a huge step forward. And not just talking about our problems, we're talking period, about stuff. Just random conversation that actually makes our relationship seem somewhat like a, well, relationship.

I have taken so much in our lives together, and I have almost never given back or stuck up for myself. This has been a failing in my life. I've been spineless, a pushover, and a complete doormat. That can't continue. And I'm happy to report that it hasn't....at least for a couple of days. And even better, over these couple of days, I've actually managed to keep up with the things I've said I was going to do. I can actually look MJ in the eye and tell her I've done these things without a hint of guilt. This is a refreshing feeling, and one that I'm relishing.

Ok, enough about the feelings. I feel good, and have felt fairly good for a couple of days straight, which is a departure from my usual "up one day, down the next" feelings. Now, if I could just get rid of this pain in my back, life could actually look like something resembling a content existance.

But I'll probably fuck it up anyways.

Ok, a little about what's happened over the 5 days. Well, there hasn't been much worth note. We had a great dinner out with my wife and father-in-law on Satuday night. Our favourite local restaurant had a live band playing, so the place was hopping, and it was just fun. Sunday, we went to Tulsa for lunch and a movie. We saw Star Wars: Episode III, and MAN was it ever good. I've heard the criticisms, but honestly, the acting didn't take me out of the movie at all, which I was afraid it was going to. The effects were spectacular, the throw-backs to Luke's becoming a Jedi in "Return of the Jedi" were very, very well placed, and not overdone, and Anakin's turn was done with just about the right amount of darkness and malice. The movie could've been a LITTLE darker, in my opinion, but that's quibbles. It was an excellent, excellent movie, the best of the first 3 Episodes, and probably my favourite or second favourite of all the Star Wars movies.

Sunday was interesting for another reason too though. (and now we'll get into an area we haven't touched yet) MJ's been off her birth control pills for about 3 months now, so we've been using barrier protection. Well, we didn't on Sunday. Pull-and-pray is an interesting term, but I never thought we'd use it. We're at the point in our marriage where having another child is not only a possibility, but we've talked about it at length. We've agreed not to try right now, but if something happens, it's not going to be the end of the world. It's weird though. Even a year ago, I probably would've been nervous as hell, but now, I'm not. At all. That's kinda puzzling to me, but at the same time, kinda cool as well...

~Dan

Another Day...

2005-06-24T14:56:00.000-05:00

Well, MJ's birthday has come and gone, and with it, what looked like a really good day. Then, another fight. I know this entire sticky, ugly mess is my fault, but man, I can't help but get frustrated when it keeps coming back on me. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm getting what I deserve, but I can't help the way I feel. It's like I take 5 steps forward and then about 100 back. Every good thing I come up with is balanced against the mound of bad I've already done, and it doesn't even move the lever an inch, when there's a mile left to go. I keep wondering if things are ever going to get better. I hope so. I want this marriage to work, but if it's going to be at the expense of my sanity, I'll take a pass. If only I could just get a job, I think things would start to even out. Gaining residency in the states is a bitch and a half, but if we had the money to do it, I'd be finishing things off today. This is one thing I'm not going to keep putting off, because it's just not worth it.

I've been forced to do a lot of thinking in the last 4 months, and I've come up with some startling revelations. I don't think I really wanted to be here at first. Hell, for the first couple, maybe even 3 years. I was happy when I was in school though, happy with my life in general. The problem was my wife and the kids really weren't happy. The kids may have been, but MJ saw some things happening that weren't good. But she stayed with it, hoping that I'd change. And what did I do? I just kept ignoring the elephant in the room, while my marriage slowly deteriorated to the point that we're at now. And now, I've manged to get myself into such a quagmire that I'm not sure I can get out. And the real kicker? I WANT to be here now. I kow that this is the life for me, that I want to be with MJ and our family. That I want to provide a better life for those I love around me. And it may be too late for that. Ironic, isn't it?

~Dan

Changes

2005-06-21T22:51:00.000-05:00

There comes a time in every man's life when they wonder about certain decisions they've made. Why they did what they did, and what they may have changed if given another chance at things. The last few months have been a time like that for me. I have been a terrible, terrible husband to MJ, to the point that I wonder how we're still married. We really aren't. I mean, we haven't divorced, or even separated, but we don't wear our rings, and I think she gains comfort from other men (not being unfaithful mind you, just comfort that I provided when things were better). I wonder about the things I've done, the choices I've made that have taken us here. I like to gloss over the difficulties we have, trying to ignore them. That's a problem I've had for a long time actually...if you ignore something, it goes away, right? That was a hard, hard lesson to learn. I'm not sure I've learned it fully yet, but I try...oh god how I try. The problem is, we're not living 3 years ago, and things certainly aren't getting any better by me ignoring them. It's grow up or get out time, and I want to stay so badly you wouldn't believe it.

There comes a time in every man's life when they have to give up what they want to do, and start doing what they have to do. That's a slightly paraphrased line from a great movie, "The Rookie", but it certainly applies here.

I have tried, in my first few posts, to keep things a little light in this blog, but I have to face reality. My life is anything but light and happy right now, and I can't keep fooling myself into thinking it is. If you like bitter, dramatic posts/updates, keep your eyes here, because I'm sure I'm going to be full of them for a long time to come. Cause I'm not getting out...

Lunch

2005-06-20T14:41:00.000-05:00

I think that's the longest I've ever spent making lunch in my life. Bub decided he wanted biscuits and gravy for breakfast, but we held off until lunch. So almost 2 hours and 2 trips to the store later, we had bacon, eggs, biscuits and sausage gravy, and toast with peanut butter. Damn, that was a good lunch...

~Dan

A Day in the Life Of....

2005-06-19T22:36:00.000-05:00

There's something you'll learn about me as time goes on and this blog continues...I don't live a very exciting life. At least for the moment, we are very, very funds-limited, and as such, can't do everything that we may want to do. Don't get me wrong, we have lots of fun, but it's just simple things, simple times. An example:

Today, we took Zoe to the lake. Now, I'll get into the zoo of pets we have in another update, but Zoe is our 3 year old AKC Golden Retriever. She's my baby, my first real pet that's mine. But I'm getting sidetracked. We took Zoe to the lake today. Now, if you know anything about dogs, you know that Retrievers are hunting dogs, and as such, are generally expected to get wet from time to time whilst performing the job for which they got their name. Well, Zoe doesn't really care for the water. Let me rephrase that. Zoe HATES the water. Bathtime is an exercise routine in itself. She's 60lbs, and she uses it when she wants out. Well, last year when we were emptying the pool, she actually got in it when the water was up to her stomach, so I thought we'd turned a corner. This year, we put the pool up, and I decided to take her swimming. Who knew that dumping a dog into a pool was a bad idea? I sure didn't! Well, she was out faster than she was in (which is saying something considering I dropped her bodily into the pool), so I had almost given up on her being any sort of water-dog. So today, we take her up to go walking by the lake. MJ and I had our bathing suits on cause we figured we'd want to at least get wet. Well, I decided to give it one more shot (I'm a glutton for punishment, what can I say?) and just took Zoe's leash and walked into the water. That little shit didn't even have the good-grace to hesitate before she walked right into the water! Damn dog started swimming within 5 minutes of being in the water, and would chase her ball out a good 20-30 feet from the edge of the water.

Simple fun, I know, and probably not even worth blogging about, but hey, I felt like sharing.

~Dan

Damn Kazaa

2005-06-18T13:53:00.000-05:00

I've recently noticed that my winamp playlist is getting, well, a little old. I keep changing it around, but I have virtually no newer-music. Most of it's from at least 2 years ago. Now, don't get me wrong, I sitll have some newer music, but the trend is towards older. I'm not even sure why it's happening, though I'm almost positive I can pinpoint one source. Kazaa. That program has crashed 3 different computers in this house. Now, I'll be the first to admit that mine isn't exactly a new-age power machine (I bought it in 99 for university. It's a PIII 500Mhz with 512mb of RAM, a Voodoo3 3000 video card, and a massive 8.4 gig hard drive) but it crashed my wife's computer (about a year older, so still not wonderful) and our Laptop, which is about as modern as we're going to get around here (a Sony Vaio K45 I believe, 2Ghz I believe, possibly more). I LOVED Napster, used Scour until I darn-near fell over, and thought Kazaa was the be-all end-all of downloading programs. Then, along came the spy-ware. My lord, Adaware nearly had an epileptic seizure the first time I ran it on my computer. I was around 1200 files when I stopped to clean it off the first time, and it took 2 similar-level scans to get things cleaned out. Man my comp was running great after that, and then I discovered that Kazaa wasn't working. Well hell, that's not the first time a program's quit on me, so I reinstalled it and went on my merry way. Then a week later, my comp was running slow again, so I ran Adaware once more. And it came back with about 400 files of spyware. "Now me," I thought to myself, "why is this happening?" So, I killed the spyware, and went back to downloading...and Kazaa didn't work. Good LORD, was that the problem? So I looked at the log and checked what some of the files I was deleting did, and lo-and-behold, almost all were associated with Kazaa and things Kazaa did with my computer! I guess that's what you get when you're too cheap to buy the program and you don't read the user agreement eh? Well, needless to say, it hasn't been on my computer in a long time. My new saviour is bittorrent. The only problem is, I have a hard time remembering songs I like, and on bittorrent it's almost impossible to find single songs. But oh man, I love it anyways. I'm slow to get on the technology bandwagon (I live in rural Oklahoma, what do you expect?) but when I find something I like, I jump on with both feet. So there's my problem, whole albums. As I said I've only got 8.4 gigs on my computer, and MJ doesn't appreciate me cluttering her new laptop up with all kinds of files (she has 60gigs though, someone help me out here!) so downloading is a long process trying to get whole albums and finding the songs on the album I like. Man I miss Kazaa, when all you had to worry about was getting a virus when you were downloading porn....

~Dan

An Introduction

2005-06-16T20:45:00.000-05:00

Ok, time to get into this blog thing. I've been studiously avoiding it for about 3 years now, but I just can't stay away anymore. I feel like having the chance to speak my mind on any subject my little, uncreative mind comes up with. Mostly, it'll probably be generic things, music, video games, hobbies, and my life.

Oh, and speaking of my life, a brief intro...

I'm Dan, a 25 year old living in rural Oklahoma. I'm originally from Ontario, Canada. How did I end up in rural Oklahoma you may ask? Well, I'm one of the growing number of people who met their significant-other online. Yep, my marriage is the product of an internet romance. My wife, (we'll call her MJ) is a wonderful, amazing woman. The light of my life, the apple of my eye, and all those other romantic things we guys say about our women. She's beautiful, smart, and just the best I've ever been around. I don't treat her well enough, but that'll probably come up as this blog continues. Oh, and I'll post pics too. I also have 3 beautiful step-kids (though I refer to them as my kids anyways) who do everything they can to drive me up a tree. They're darn good at it too, but I love them anyways. Bub is 10, Sis is 8, and Monkey's 4.

A little more about me then. I'm heading into the exciting field of aviation maintenance, which is a fancy way of saying I'm going to be an airplane mechanic. Incredibly interesting stuff though, and very rewarding. It's like working on cars, but with a little less money, and a lot less grime. And let's face it, how cool is it to drive a 40-foot lift up to the back of a DC-10 so you can do some engine maintenance?

I love cars, and drag racing in particular. Old cars, new cars, as long as they're fast and pretty, I'm loving every second. I plan on building a Mustang drag racer in the near future, when time and funds permit. I should be posting about some of the goings-on in the Tulsa drag racing scene as the blog continues.

I, in a past life, was a video-game addict. If I was awake and at home, I was playing some kind of video game. Now, family and other priorities keep me away from them much more than they used to, but I still play when I can find some time. I'll be commenting on the state of gaming from time to time as well.

Basically, I'm going to have a little bit of everything on here. I'm just a normal guy trying to sort out his normal life, and this blog will help me do it. So, if you happen to find your way here, and like what you see, feel free to comment and come on back. I hope to entertain and inform, as well as just speak my mind. Blogging, who'd have thunk it eh?

~Dan